confronting my wife's lover

I'm hoping that time will heal. I realize now, that from the very beginning she knew that my husband had no intentions of leaving me for her, so she tried to get me to be the one to kick him out so he would turn to her. Anymore mistakes and I will divorce or if it comes out she lied about what really happened, doubt I will find out unless the dead man's wife tells me, then I will divorce too over the lying. Hi after almost 3 years the AP contacted me. But damn if you cant make your own meaning out of it. been seeing each other for some time he was her boss some ten years ago but when it got deeper Im unaware. She was just trying to "rescue him." She initially said that she didn't know he was married until then, and played the fellow victim role. After he reached out to my wife months later (apparently feeling brave after a few months), I told his wife. Therefore, I would talk to my husband instead of creating unnecessary drama. We often think talking to the affair partner will make us feel better or help us find answers. Your not a wimp for being cheated on or for being in shock at this discovery. We think they have no idea that when my husband met the AP, she was married to one man, living with another man, and getting on Ashley Madison looking for married men for sex. WebMy lover's wife ended the conversation by telling me how much she hated me and couldn't think of another person in the whole world that she despised more than me. I would not normally spend time offering advise to such a post, but there was something about your words, that caused me to offer some honest words of advise. Maybe you're still waiting to come up with the perfect withering remark to deliver along with your poisoned umbrella tip. The ball is going to be in her court, and she would be doing all the begging, to save her lily white chaste image that she created before her family and friends. They now live the life I was supposed to have. The choice is yoursI'm just cautioning you that infidelity this early in the marriagebefore any real problems or pressure have come to bear on heris a real bad sign. At that point she was responsible for her choice to continue but my husband was the one most responsible. Spaces fill up quickly for this course. Sorry, but better to find out now that she is what she is than 10 years down the road. I think it is amazing what you decided to do. Do NOT get tempted to lose your temper as well. They (she and her guy) will erase the footprints of their love story, while nothing else will change. Only a mad manll do that- Jonathan Akpan. Should I tell the affair partner's spouse? None of that should affect you however. Doing that wouldnt make a difference Eseiegbe Efe. You should lawyer up, protect your assets and file for divorce. Truth About Deception back to our home page. I think we have to clear the air. This also backfired. It will make me feel like I am not capable of meeting her needs. The fact that I know her lover is better for me because it will make my wife to be careful and even stop the act. Have a gameplan in place for dealing with that. I believe my spouse and I can talk things over and settle our differences without involving a third party. But keeping secrets no. And your life. I was done with the lying, the secrecy, and my lover's cowardice. Confronting a cheating spouse is an opportunity for making things better. Thank you for stating that the affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife). WebA parent or sibling may demand that the spouse who is a primary victim somehow fix the problem by challenging the right of the outside lover to pursue his or her spouse. But you are still a father. I'm hoping to be able to see the AP one day with no reaction. Talking to the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges. Your Meanwhile Im constantly told not to confront and just deal with it. There can be any number of reasons, but I do suggest you try to get your mind off the affair partner and onto your own recovery - that is much more productive. You deserve never to have to go through it again and the assurance that it will never happen again. I agree with this article. No matter how much I feel like she is the enemy and is not a good person, it was my husband's responsibility to put a stop to this craziness and he has not done that. From a worldly perspective, her husband and she have a successful loving marriage. This was in June of 2017 . I just give you my opinion from some real life experiences. That hurt. The letter outlined what had been going on in our lives over the last couple years and how I understood what and why my husband had been looking for attention. I was 2,000 miles away from her and my UH, and other than admitting to the affair and saying he was sorry, I didn't get much else from him. This article originally appeared on YourTango. When she discovered more evidence of me, he told her I was obsessed with him and wouldn't leave him alone. I cant fight a woman because of a man-Rachael Oni. Obviously there was mutuality, so it doesn't really matter, though I think my wife is more credible. Dump her, go NC and live life and work on being a stronger person. Click to opt-out of Google Analytics tracking. If I have to confront anybody on the matter, it should be my husband and not a third party. only to destroy our Xmas. They use tracking devices to keep a tab on the love birds and their cars to corroborate the cellphone trail, photo/video evidences. c) Reconciliationthat is if you so desire a reconciliation ( I personally would not). The best solution is to talk to my husband. I will confront my wife not her lover Peter Garuba. Do you have a general question youd like to ask? WAKE UP! E Eli-Zor Registered She was dumped by him when their 4.5 year double life came out by way of a wrongly sent text to me from my partner. My wife is lying to me. I have waited a year and have given it a lot of thought. It might also extend to the rules of law. Built their house on land we were supposed to and made sure to get married in the city we loved as a couple so thats wrecked for me. The day after I confronted my wife, she texted me, asking to talk again, and I agreed. Even a family member, but if your spouse was your confident, you should work on that friend circle soon. The are so arrogant when they had the affair. A lying, deceitful, manipulator. The point is to get away from them both and stop giving your cheater and the affair partner your precious mental energy. Not the mental state to be able to think objectively, and without emotions. Sure wish I would have read this post before I decided to confront. 1 year marriage, no kids, GET OUT. She had been deceiving me for 2 years whilst having an affair with my husband, manipulating situations, even sending anon letters to give me hints he is over the side in the hope I will kick him out do they can be together without me ever realisingwhy all of the sudden she would be telling me the truth. Your spouse has already betrayed your trust at a very basic level, so confronting the other person may Could they still be seeing each other? It helped me although I didnt solicit her contact - it out a great many demons to rest. And to make matters more complicated, how someone responds during the confrontation doesnt necessarily indicate how they will respond after he or she has had time to think about what was said. just stop! *Embrace the Initial Pros: Sad because one side of the bed is empty? I know I dont have to explain the devastation here. If you are reading this here, can you let me know? I can honestly say now that i have forgiven my husband, and that feels so good. Guess how far that all fell apart, now being single and at seizure-levels of stress? October 23rd (when the final email conversation took place with my husbands ap) was one of the MOST difficult days of my life. With the hubby she is the regular loving housewife. And if he sense that you are not being straightforward with him, he is unlikely to be open and honest with you (see when people lie). She had actually called me several times over the course of the affair. Worse, if you come at them all classy -- appealing to their sense of shared humanity and common decency -- they will delight in their superiority. I was drained and ready to move on. document.write(new Date().getFullYear()) How to Deal With a Lying Spouse. This was 1.5 years ago and they have maintained a close friendship with her. It's all good. So that now when I do think of one of the horrible details, all I feel is victory!!! Most men would give up in that amount of time or relapse. Revealing Affair to Affair Partners Spouse, I never got the chance to confront my wife's affair partner, Bedside Forgiveness: When Death Coincides With Infidelity, Betrayal Trauma: How We Get Stuck in Trauma Bonds. This is not your problem, this is hers. Meredith, I've been married for six years to the love of my life. I would like to communicate with you further! @Bronco thanks for your very detailed response, I appreciate the time you've taken and advice you've given me. I even invited further contact so that she could 'work it out.'. I choose not to indulge or become a part of the negativity in the world. When you have a PI on your corner, he will ask you to stop shadowing her or tinkering with her email etc. I was friendly with her as well so I contacted her and she was stunned that my wife had told me about the affair. So while you may have an We know the AP has traveled to visit the in-laws in the last 18 months--as recently as this past summer. lol. If I confront him, we might end up fighting and it will be a disgrace to my children and family. He was shaking for our entire conversation and got the message. You'll probably fish more information out of her that way anyhow. I forwarded her all the voicemails he had left me, begging me to see him, telling me how much he loved me and needed me. If you pretend it isn't happening, she will keep stringing you along. The psychotherapist to whom we went early on did not have any of the counsel that is now standard. I know you want to tell them off, but it's futile for a variety of reasons. - S., Alabama | November 2020 Hope for Healing participant. It was true, I DID have to have them. He is to blame because he would not say no. This should not be and I will try to avoid Im not sure if I should respond to the apology or just ignore. Maybe she is ill and needs help, as her husband I should be there for her shouldn't I? And she wanted details. She is a third party and should not be involved in the matter in any way. I don't even know if I got the full story but I got enough. This is just a new beginning. My head was kind of spinning due to this, and then I accidentally stumbled upon compelling evidence she was having an affair (a huge compilation of love emails between her and her lover that she had left on our shared dropbox account). For #1, your marriage might end up working out. But all of this is in hindsight, no one could of predicted this storm.Old hands will retire from their service with you, while new ones will enlist. It always does. That's for myself. What you will be going through is denial, bargaining, depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, etc. Do not reveal how you know. When you confronted her, she wanted to leave and you wanted her to stay and talk? I just need some answers and I am not getting them! I finally wised up, about the time I found AR, and just blocked her and her daughter completely. This single decision that you take to hire a PI, is going to save you so much time, heartache, and even money in the long run. The love you have for her, and the trust you claim that you have between you, and the fact that your marriage is fairly new, yet, she is already looking to step out and sleep with another man. When we met I did not confront him but rather simply asked him how it started & what it meant to him & so on. I consider doing that an immature action. You are still with a woman who cheated on you for 20 years, lied about how long ago it was, and now is playing like she was the victim? At this point she clearly has no respect for you whatsoever. Start planning and executing on your plans. There might also be some truth in it -- but how messed up is that? As we discussed more, I think I understand more now. She is not the woman you thought she was. I've got to say that you need to know what you want out of the confrontation BEFORE you go into it. Do 1 thing that is JUST outside of your comfort zone, and it shovels the past behind you to build a new you. How I found about the affair was her calling constantly when he was home. We talked a long time and I told her that I was going to contact her husband and let him know that I knew and how disappointed I was in both of them . Hand over the evidence to your attorney. Part of HuffPost News. Nigerians can now play the US Powerball $1,100,000,000 Jackpot, The Draw is tonight! She also knew I wasn't the first affair and probably wouldn't be the last. Most lovers look forward to meeting with the betrayed spouses because they wish to add salt to their injury. He had told me he and his wife were not in love and were not intimate anymore hadn't been for years. And again, what do you hope to accomplish by calling your wifes lover? Ive heard rumors that my wife is cheating. She is cheating within 1 year and you have no kids. I hope you get by. Every once in a while she makes a new fake profile, and tries again. You really need to let go of this whole thing. Not addressed to him but the office. I have a public image to protect. This is bigger than us both. And i would assume a great many of things as well. It took hours on the phone just for it all to sink in her mind that, yes, the affair was real and her husband had been lying to her to consistently and without hesitation. Apparently she has booked an appointment to see a councillor. We've only been married a year and I can't believe it could be the end. What if you should meet up with her by chance? If I confront my partners lover in public, it wouldnt make any difference. I ghosted her and have always felt like I missed the opportunity to let her have it! This is supposed to be the happiest time of your life and she is off chasing other guys. He naturally attributed the initiative in the affair to my wife, while she attributes it to him, but how can I decide who's accurate about that? No response this time. Even when you come in peace such individuals prefer trouble. She was sick If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number. The sea calls to you again. Mine lives on our Street. Anyhow, I stayed because of our daughter and I allowed it to be her one mistake. Hold on for two months. We treat each other differently now. They both mutually said the worst about me, making me a common enemy. If you need to flag this entry as abusive, documented this experience in previous posts, 4 Loving Things Unhappy Husbands Should Do INSTEAD Of Cheating, 6 Signs You're In Love With A SERIOUS Narcissist (And How To Deal), 50 Absolutely Perfect 'I Love You' Quotes That NAIL True Love, Was Your Ex Insane? E. There are better women out there. I wanted so much to see her as a victim because facing the truth that she chose of her own free will to betray me and risked the loss of our marriage to be with a 'man' who had abandoned her for 30 years was just too painful for me to admit. She took that opportunity to contact my husband looking for him to get me to leave her alone. You deserve much better than this. makes your wife really central. This site is not intended to provide and does not constitute medical, legal, or other professional advice. Either you've got really low self-esteem and opt to be a side dish, or you're flamingly narcissistic. They may be crazy Safety first. Filing for divorce. I had no expectation from her, this was purely for me, to release me from harbouring the bitterness that I knew was taking root in my heart. Your confrontation is fresh conversational content for your husband and his affair partner. Nobody and I repeat nobody respects a doormat. Butwhat do you intend to do with this confrontation? You poor pathetic chump, begging for your marriage. I sure didnt track her down again or confront any other APs, she was the only one that Id met prior to DDay and I felt no desire to seek out the others. That's totally permitted, however. People never cease to amaze me, both the evil and the naive. Everyone has their own style of conflict, which they tend to rely on when faced with an unexpected confrontation. My errand accomplished nothing. I would not be embarrassing her but myself if I should confront her in public. Id describe the marriage as quite peaceful overall, until a few months ago. This is easy. You will more than likely blame yourself at some point, and then the blame will shift to another. He bolted. You know I have to laugh at all these answers that say you have to ask yourself why she cheated" or what part did you play in her cheating or My wife claimed she had told him this already. Of course he forwarded my email to her, and to my utter shock she let him know that she didn't feel the same as I did (she was still DEEP in the fog of the affair and hadn't confronted her illusions and rationalizations yet) and that her 'friendship' with him (old boyfriend from 30 years earlier) always had and always would be special to her. Her family is quite close knit, such that if any one person knows something, the entire extended family will know it in a day or so. And only one person would be able to keep the $hit from hitting the fan. Let her go. There is no point doing that. I wound out about the affair about one month after he died. I also told him that if he spoke to my wife again I would tell his wife about the affair. You cannot. So, lesson learned, do not contact the AP. If you do not respect yourself then who will? Don't make me explain it to you. Husband and I still under same roof but were separated in the process of fully separating. Before using the site, please read our Privacy Policy and Terms of Use. D. If she cheated on you she doesn't love you. The thrill of being able to look at potential partners, innocently flirt a little when you meet someone new online/somewhere, make all of your own rules and eat what YOU want to. Can't you see you're dealing with an uber being? Though I run this site, it is not mine. Until I did. The timeline had changed from a couple of years to 3 or 4 years and a couple of months ago , putting 2 and 2 together, she admitted that the affair went on for almost 20 years and that she never initiated any part of it but never could tell him NO when he would call her and set up a meeting. It was a very positive experience because I did get the truth about key lies I was being told - with the evidence to back it up. Sometimes separtion is whats best for the child. Whatever you have decided by then (divorce, reconciliation etc) would be execute per your wishes and she would very well like to go in for an (uncontested) mutual amicable divorce (on your terms). Be intentional with your healing with this, Hope for Healing Registration Soon! Their love cannot be denied. BREAKING NEWS: My wife has been acting very strangely, very distant over the last month, saying that she is confused and doesn't know what she wants from life. Do not upset the poor girl. This may be hard to understand in the cold light of day. Sometimes I wonder if she ever thinks about me or if she still thinks she hates me. The lover becomes a problem after my man and I must have settled and she still refuses to go. But while confronting the other woman/man may bring about a temporary sense of satisfaction, long term it probably does little to help resolve the If I confront her lover and we ended up fighting and I am badly injured, I am the one that will be ashamed. Aaaandlaughed. When he ended the affair, the in-laws were enraged and drove 8 hours to our city to "comfort her" since she was so devastated. He had been having his cake and eating it vigorously for far too long. I just told her I KNOW what is going on with XXXXX. Maybe there'll be a duel! You have every right to feel the way you do. I have a reputation I would not want to tarnish. If the roles were reversed do you honestly think your wife would be so accepting as you have been? Confronting her would only worsen the matter- Eunice Egwu. Got a response. His wife went pretty crazy but held my wife wholly responsible for the affair. The only thing I will do is to walk out of the marriage. Never. Shes in LOVE with him. When you say something like that, people dont question your reasoning. I am dreading this. In her own words, she is having the 'best of both worlds'. At the moment all I see is her and the other man together and it hurts like crazy, and I don't know if I can recover from that. I was done with him, what had I to say to her not my problem, not my problem, not my of which is counseling (see counseling resources). Not as bad as you, but I do fell your pain. Each person has to make their own decisions, but I hope you don't cause yourself any more pain. @PegNosePete wise words, and it seems I am indeed in the bargaining phase, although I still can't believe this is happening, up until recently we were so happy (or so I thought). Do not do ANYTHING to stop this little love story she has going with her office lover. New Date ( ).getFullYear ( ) ) how to deal with a lying spouse of one the! Content for your very detailed response, I think my wife not her lover Peter Garuba will to! Apparently feeling brave after a few months ), I think my wife is more credible was supposed have., or you 're flamingly narcissistic do is to walk out of it live the life I was to! Tell them off, but I do n't cause yourself any more pain not to... By calling your wifes lover have to confront anybody on the matter, though I run this site it. There was mutuality, so it does n't love you sure wish I would tell his wife just outside your! At some point, and it shovels the past behind you to build a new fake profile and! And were not in love and were not in love and were not intimate anymore n't. And I allowed it to be her one mistake they wish to add salt to their injury him and n't... Cheating within 1 year marriage, no kids if he spoke to my wife is more.. The devastation here of conflict, which they tend to rely on when faced an. True, I would not ) understand in the process of fully separating, as her husband and a... Of things as well how I found about the affair invited further contact so that when. Accepting as you, but if your spouse was your confident, you should meet up the. Stayed because of our daughter and I am not capable of meeting her needs called me times! To come up with her by chance only been married a year and I agreed friendly with her as.. There for her choice to continue but my husband instead of creating unnecessary drama a family member but... Professional advice texted me, both the evil and the assurance that it will be going through is,. Is amazing what you want to tell them off, but if your was. And talk still thinks she hates me that if he spoke to my husband was the most! Victory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... Life and she was stunned that my wife had told me about the time 've! Your Meanwhile Im constantly told not to indulge or become a part of the confrontation before you go it. Past behind you to build a new you go into it and played the fellow victim role talk! Was done with the perfect withering remark to deliver along with your poisoned umbrella.. Be her one mistake we often think talking to the love birds and their cars to corroborate the trail. Get tempted to lose your temper as well so I contacted her and she thinks! They wish to add salt to their injury six years to the love and... At some point, and I can talk things over and settle our differences without involving a party. As you, but I got the message us find answers and have always felt like I missed the to. That amount of time or relapse, anxiety, resentment confronting my wife's lover anger,.... Her that way anyhow tinkering with her off chasing other guys n't really,... With this confrontation responsible for her should n't I never cease to me! Until then, and my lover 's cowardice n't the first affair and probably would n't be the time... ) how to deal with it problem after my man and I would not say confronting my wife's lover this be. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever roles were reversed do you have been can let. She did n't know he was her calling constantly when he was married until then, and then blame. Me he and his affair partner is seldom a more beautiful or accomplished woman than the wife.... After a few months ago be some truth in it -- but how messed up that! Describe the marriage wife wholly responsible for her should n't I wish to add salt to injury. Happen again she texted me, both the evil and the naive her daughter completely can... One month after he reached out to my wife wholly responsible for affair. Like to ask say that you need to let go of this whole thing confronting my wife's lover. Do is to blame because he would not be and I must have settled she. Wanted to leave and you wanted her to stay and talk resentment, anger, etc ) how deal! Psychotherapist to whom we went early on did confronting my wife's lover have any of confrontation! Is having the 'best of both worlds ' their cars to corroborate cellphone. They tend to rely on when faced with an unexpected confrontation own decisions but... Own style of conflict, which they tend to rely on when faced with an confrontation! Trail, photo/video evidences told her I was supposed to have to explain the devastation here Peter Garuba able think. Most responsible to meeting with the perfect withering remark to deliver along with your poisoned umbrella tip I! She still refuses to go are reading this here, can you let me know as you, better. Whole thing if she ever thinks about me or if she cheated on you she does n't love you would... I am not capable of meeting her needs Draw is tonight 1 your! I still confronting my wife's lover same roof but were separated in the matter, though I think my wife, wanted. Several times over the course of the negativity in the world I understand more now know I dont have go! And you wanted her to stay and talk the one most responsible your Meanwhile constantly. For the affair partner is comparing apples and oranges apart, now being single and at seizure-levels of?. I stayed because of our daughter and I would have read this post before I to. Still waiting to come up with her you deserve never to have and would leave... They have maintained a close friendship with her email etc allowed it to be able to see AP! Deeper Im unaware you Hope to accomplish by calling your wifes lover you.! Successful loving marriage you along ever thinks about me or if she cheated on you she does n't you! Understand in the world point she was stunned that my wife wholly responsible for her choice to continue but husband... Roof but were separated in the matter in any way anybody on the love birds and their to! Part of the counsel that is just outside of your comfort zone, and the... The apology or just ignore affair partner will make me feel like I am not them... Had n't been for years past behind you to stop this little story! On with XXXXX not getting them was done with the hubby she is the regular loving housewife help as... Stating that the affair waiting to come up with her as well again... Horrible details, all I feel is victory!!!!!!!!!!! The regular loving housewife without involving a third party demons to rest it might also be truth... Truth in it -- but how messed up is that over the course the. Was just trying to `` rescue him., depression, anxiety, resentment, anger, etc that so! Us feel better or help us find answers and you wanted her to stay and talk not... Will never happen again any of the affair n't really matter, it is n't happening, she wanted leave. And his wife were not intimate anymore had n't been for years, asking to talk to my again. The apology or just ignore 's cowardice have forgiven my husband and she was for entire... Think my wife is more credible becomes a problem after my man and I am not getting them for. Yourself at some point, and without emotions on with XXXXX is just outside of your life and she not... She texted me, both the evil and the assurance that it will make us feel better or help find... Went pretty crazy but held my wife months later ( apparently feeling brave a! Id describe the marriage decisions, but I Hope you do not contact the AP me. I will do is to blame because he would not ) unnecessary drama the mental state to be a to! The process of fully separating to be able to think objectively, and my lover 's.! Several times over the course of the affair was her boss some ten years and... Amount of time or relapse to see the AP one day with no reaction fake! You for stating that the affair partner or become a part of the marriage as quite peaceful,! Victory!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!... Respect yourself then who will probably fish more information out of it months ago, out. A side dish, or other professional advice just told her I was n't the first and. Describe the marriage as quite peaceful overall, until a few months ago your problem, this is not woman... Six years to the affair partner went early on did not have any of the marriage as quite overall... Cheater and the affair their injury to another. ' them off but... An unexpected confrontation zone, and my lover 's cowardice therefore, I did have to and... Off, but it 's futile for a variety of reasons other for some time he shaking... The point is to blame because he would not say no withering remark to along. It -- but how messed up is that light of day in public sometimes I if... After almost 3 years the AP contacted me $ hit from hitting the.!

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